I don’t know if this is going to be a weekly thing or if this is going to be something I just do after I write each piece for the Nusquamton series, but since they have inadvertently become therapeutic I’ve felt the need to kind of unload and process what I’ve written each time. More so with The Demons We Become than the others I think. I was unloading on my personal blog as I was writing the piece. Anyhow, here’s some things I have to say.
I’m disappointed that I wasn’t able to accurately capture the dichotomy of the mind in that was going on in Clarissa’s head. Where you are you are equally divided in two directions on one thing. How do you properly convey that? Where you want very much to reach out and connect with someone – even have sex – but because of the pain and the terror you’ve gone through in the past you don’t.
Right from the beginning of creating this character I’ve had her as someone with PTSD – the aggressive, angry type. She wears that anger as a shield and uses it as a weapon to protect herself even though she feels alone and wants to let people in. Her own defense then becomes a trap. Anger is a toxic thing that will consume you if left unchecked. You can very easily become the monster you’re trying to protect yourself from if you’re not careful.
And I’ve already demonstrated her using substances in previous pieces as a means of escapism, which I failed to address in this piece. Someone that drinks and smokes that much isn’t going to make it a day without at least thinking or bitching about it.
So demons, fallen angels, toxic jungles, etc. all play convenient symbolic roles here in Clarissa’s journey beyond the door. I just think I could have done a better job with that. I think I need to drop the plot line dealing with her son’s ghost that got started but didn’t go anywhere. Serious plot hole, sorry about that. I think that deserves its own piece some other time that doesn’t involve sex. Just feels weird and out of place to have his ghost in there in this particular piece, unless I’m willing to make it longer.
So that’s Clarissa, the most developed character in this piece.
Let’s look at the demons. I need to do research to make them work. I’ve known for a long time, particularly in Europe, the origins of nicknames came from the belief that names gave power over you. That’s where that comes from. Think Rumplestiltskin.
But I also had this other running theme in my head of a demon society centered around the BDSM – Master/Slave culture that I admit I know very little about. I know it that exists and that’s about it. What would it look like? How would it work? What is the significance of Lilith in here or should I just remove her from the story? (Although I really like the idea of Clarissa being demon decent and her coming to that jungle awakening that part of her.) And more importantly why would Zaum approach Clarissa in the first place? These are things I don’t know and as the writer I need to work out before I can begin revising this piece.